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honeybadger
USA
542 Posts |
 Posted - 30 Jun 2003 : 11:41:15 AM
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This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.
The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his butt?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's butt, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the poop out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his butt."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the butt?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's butt often?"
Mary: "Oh, yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well, no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the poop out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's butt, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's butt for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's butt he'll kick the poop of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss his butt?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his butt. Other times we kiss Karl's butt, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his butt, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk of Karl letterhead.
From the desk of Karl
Kiss Hank's butt and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the poop out of people who aren't like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don't use alcohol.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank's butt or He'll kick the poop out of you.
Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is actually Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the poop out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says, 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says, 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says, 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says, 'Eat right,' and item 8 says, 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says, 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says, 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock...."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?" Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying, 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But.... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary blushes.
John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary looks positively stricken.
John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that...."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary faints.
John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the poop out of you, I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's butt for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off. |
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eva
USA
3233 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jun 2003 : 1:15:06 PM
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| I think this should be in the Miscellaneous section of the forum. |
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Will
United Kingdom
343 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jun 2003 : 1:36:35 PM
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I think it should be in the Deeply Funny section of the forum, or should have a section all on its own, in pride of place!
Nice one HB, I laughed a lot  |
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CelticWitch
Canada
1243 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jun 2003 : 1:45:25 PM
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| I think I've become a Hank Butt Kisser. Five minutes of insisting you have the truth should be enough for anyone. |
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Evangelist
USA
787 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jun 2003 : 2:54:47 PM
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Not even funny...
Evangelist Mike |
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modig
USA
1587 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jun 2003 : 3:46:27 PM
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Haha thats funny. I almost skipped over it because I assumed it would be another incoherent rant that people seem to like thread with.
Somehow I suspect I can guess who will think this is funny and who won't... |
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VLIcon
USA
22 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jun 2003 : 8:24:30 PM
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Might not be funny, but it really hits home.
Oddly enough, I just wrote a short play about three people who are totally convinced that someone burried under a garage is coming to kill them, and it's written in a book somewhere. Or something like that...
Great minds, huh Honeybadger?  |
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honeybadger
USA
542 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jun 2003 : 11:00:36 PM
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I think this should be in the Miscellaneous section of the forum.
yeah probably, sorry
I think it should be in the Deeply Funny section of the forum, or should have a section all on its own, in pride of place!
Nice one HB, I laughed a lot
i'm glad you enjoyed it
Not even funny...
i suspected you wouldn't like it actually, oh well can't please them all
Somehow I suspect I can guess who will think this is funny and who won't...
yep, i guessed and i was right
Great minds, huh Honeybadger?
yep, lol |
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CelticWitch
Canada
1243 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jun 2003 : 11:31:32 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Evangelist
Not even funny...
Evangelist Mike
Maybe not funny Mike, but certainly to the point. These people in the story are trying to sell the man exactly the same sort of story you are, and providing exactly the same amount of evidence and using exactly the same arguements.
Perhaps now you get a taste of how ridiculous this "absolute truth" claim is when it's examined objectively. |
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gnine
Australia
1396 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jul 2003 : 03:37:01 AM
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Hmmm...
Your understanding of Christianity is deeply flawed - but no doubt it provides you with entertainment.
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CelticWitch
Canada
1243 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jul 2003 : 10:24:02 AM
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| No, my understanding of Christianity is quite good. Very good in fact. |
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honeybadger
USA
542 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jul 2003 : 10:59:24 AM
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Your understanding of Christianity is deeply flawed
i don't think so, i think the hank story is a very accurate representation of christianity |
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gnine
Australia
1396 Posts |
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Will
United Kingdom
343 Posts |
Posted - 02 Jul 2003 : 1:41:15 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Evangelist
Not even funny...
Hey Mike, you sure do put the 'fun' back into 'fundamentalism'  |
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CelticWitch
Canada
1243 Posts |
Posted - 02 Jul 2003 : 1:54:24 PM
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Gnine:
Wonderful link... fabulous... simply spiffing...
What exactly does it have to do with the topic? |
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gnine
Australia
1396 Posts |
Posted - 02 Jul 2003 : 10:05:24 PM
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quote:
What exactly does it have to do with the topic?
Excellent point! Maybe I'll explain it when you can describe what exactly the original post has to do with Christianity...
This is a Christain board.
I have stated that the orginal post represents a flawed understanding of Christianity.
Which is what we are all here to discuss. Right?
Surely, then it is of assistance to go to the bible for an understanding of how God views those who are in an unsaved state, rather than rely on honeybadger's erroneous analogy.
I could say that all witches were were female and wore black pointed hats and rode brooms - but it wouldn't be accurate. And you would say (I expect) "when you want to ask about witchcraft - you should ask a witch".
So (and this is for all readers) if you want to know about christianity ~ read the bible, have a look at my link --> Don't assume that those who critisize know what they are talking about. They often don't.
That is all.
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Edited by - gnine on 02 Jul 2003 10:09:43 PM |
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